Alright, before I start typing this one, I want to give a little context.
If you’re into personality tests and such, I’m an Enneagram 3, Myers Briggs ESTJ.
If that last sentence meant nothing to you, just know that I tend to naturally make decisions based on what I think, not what I feel, and I’m driven by results and outcomes rather than hopeful ideals.
I wanted to give that disclaimer because, if you’re similar to me, then you’ll probably resonate with this, and if you aren’t, then what comes next may come across as cold and unloving. I’ll do my best to explain.
As I’m sure you’re well aware, each of us only has time and emotional capacity to keep a certain number of true, deep relationships in our lives. For those of us who are married or have significant others and/or kids, some of those spots are already (hopefully) taken.
As we move through our lives, we meet and connect with tons of people. Some of us do this more naturally, while for those more introverted, it takes a bit more work. But regardless, if you live long enough, you’ll meet more people than you can keep up with.
I’m going to get a little personal here to share the origin story of this strategy, then I’ll share my plan itself.
God knows I’ve got plenty of faults in my code, but consistency isn’t one of them. When I meet someone with whom I’d like to stay in touch, I do that. Not in a creepy, stalky kind of way, but when it’s natural.
What I came to realize over the years is that a good number of my friendships were fairly one sided. It dawned on me that if I stopped being the one to initiate contact, then the relationship would literally cease to exist.
So, in most cases, I did that. I wanted to see if those people cared enough to think “hmm, it’s been a while,” and reach out themselves. In some cases they have, in others, they haven’t.
So, here’s the way I approach this now. It may or may not work for you, and I totally understand if not.
When whatever the thing that forces the person I’ve become close with and I into proximity to one another ends (working at the same place, going to the same church or school, etc), I put in solid effort for a while to stay in touch.
If I realize that contact has become one-sided (not like they’re not replying and I’m being weird, but like they never reach out first), I’ll reach out 2-3 more times over the course of a few months. After that, I stop. The ball is now in their court. If they care enough about the relationship to keep it alive, they’ll eventually reach back out.
The result (I like results) of this is a “collection” of people in my life who want to be there. Each of us knows that the other values the friendship.
Three quick caveats before I go:
This is not a “I get rid of toxic people” post or whatever. I don’t hate these people or wash my hands of them. If I watch a funny video or something and it makes me think of them, I’ll send it to them. If they ever need me, I’m here. What I mean is that I’m not going to put consistent effort into the relationship anymore.
I realize some people are just “bad with technology” or something. But listen, that might mean you forget to reply or can’t keep up with your messages, but that reason only gets you so far. Eventually, you think about that person, and you make a choice to reach out again or not. And if you just never quite get around to it, that’s okay. You need to spend your limited time on people you want to be regulars in your life too.
This entire post is about people who I have deep friendships and relationships with. It is not about reaching out to those in need or who are not in a place to reciprocate. If you read it that way, read it again with this context.
And if you need a complete system for time management, let me know! I have that.
Comments